In a restroom by the highway,
lives a man named Rufus Meyers,
leering at the onramp driveway,
list'ning for the sound of tires.
When he hears a car approaching,
Rufus drools in pure elation,
once the car begins unloading,
he prepares for celebration.
"Need to use the bathroom, Sandy?"
asks a man while Rufus blushes,
"Yes, Lamar, I'm glad one's handy"
says his wife, then off she rushes.
Rufus flushes all the toilets,
plugs the sinks, then activates them,
heats some water as to boil it,
tea would be his ultimatum.
Sandy nears the restroom entrance,
stops, then jokes with trepidation,
"Sweetie, I beseech your presence,
this looks like a rapist station."
Rufus hides inside the shower,
overjoyed to have new callers,
he'd been counting down the hours
since his last: two Montrealers.
Rufus watches as they enter,
sheer confusion on their faces,
running water left and center,
toilets, sinks and stagnant spaces.
"Sandy, do you feel uneasy?"
speaks Lamar in apprehension,
"Yes, Lamar, my stomach's queasy"
utters Sandy, filled with tension.
As the couple starts escaping,
Rufus leaps out from the shower,
nostrils flared and mouth a'gaping,
he professes with a glower:
"HI, I'M RUFUS MEYERS, GOT IT?
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA THIS EVENING?
CHLORINE PUFFS? A GIN AND TONIC?
YEA, BUT HARK! THE WATER'S STEAMING!"
Screaming both in stupefaction,
Sandy shocked, Lamar in panic,
have no time to give reaction,
Rufus starts to get more frantic:
"LOOK, YOU TWO, I'VE RUNNING WATER...
ISN'T THAT THE QUEEN'S PAJAMAS?
HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY DAUGHTER,
SHE'S GOT THIRTY BABY MAMAS!"
"Please don't kill us, Rufus Meyers!"
Sandy cries in desperation,
"We will do what you desire
to avoid an altercation!"
Rufus just ignores her, saying:
"DANCE WITH ME DECREPIT DANCES!
LOOK AT HOW MY HIPS ARE SWAYING...
YOU'RE AROUSED BY MY ADVANCES!"
Brave Lamar attempts to reason,
hoping he'll get through to Rufus,
though his social skills are seasoned,
all attempts are vain and useless.
"WELL, YOU TWO, IT'S BEEN A DOOZY!"
Rufus tells the two unsettled,
then, deranged as Gary Busey,
reaches for the boiling kettle.
Rufus chugs the scalding water,
laughing through his tortured screaming,
then he grabs a metal augur,
drills his cheeks with water seeping.
Sandy and Lamar, confounded,
flee the restroom in a hustle,
horrified and quite astounded
that there hadn't been a tussle.
Lying on the floor and wheezing,
covered now in burns and blisters,
Rufus says aloud while bleeding:
"GOSH, THOSE TWO WERE SWELL AND CHIPPER!"
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